Worth Fighting For...

As a young child I  swore I would never get married and I would never have children. Only because of how I viewed marriage. To me marriage meant hurt and being left alone...forever. My childhood was full of hurt thanks to a dad who cared only about himself, the dad who hurt my mom and left us. I used to wonder what my life would have been like if we had been worth fighting for.

The past four months I have been fighting my own battle and I'm praying we are nearing the end of it. There are days that I don't recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror. Her swollen, red eyes, her broken heart, and the thoughts that race through her head. Who is she? She's the result of a bad decision in a weak moment by the one person she put all her love and trust in this side of heaven. How did this happen, where did I go wrong, what didn't I give him at home? I have driven myself crazy with these questions even when I am told it was nothing I did or didn't do. I was always so used to seeing people just walk away, like the people they had invested their hearts and lives in all of a sudden weren't worth it. How do you just walk away from a person who knows everything about you, your secrets, your fears, and your dreams? How does a daddy walk away from two small children for a life of drugs, alcohol, and younger women? Now he tries to become part of lives he's never been involved in to try and make up for all he's missed, all that wasn't worth fighting for.

This journey hasn't made sense to me from the beginning but I do know that one day it will. I pray that God is using this trial in our lives to help us help someone else. There is a great testimony waiting at the end of all this and to me it's worth fighting for. My God isn't the author of hurt and confusion, He is my healer, my strength, my light in this darkness. He is the one who made this marriage and  joined us together to become one flesh. He made us to love one another just as Christ loves His church and to spend this lifetime together in His name! 

I met Doyle 15 years ago and felt a connection to him instantly. We went our separate ways until four years later when we bumped into each other. The night we reconnected was scary for me, I was afraid he would go away again just like every other good thing had in my life. When he wrapped his arms around me and promised he would never let me go again, it was just what I needed to hear...I was loved and he wasn't going to leave me. From that day forward we were always together and soon after that came an answered prayer, the most perfect news of the most perfect little baby girl I could ever ask for. I do regret not doing things the "right" way by getting married first but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am happy with all that God has blessed me with! 

Until four months ago, I would have called you a liar if you had told me I would be writing about these things. My family was different, we had a calling on our lives that was going to take us to the ends of the earth to share about Jesus. My friend, NEVER tell yourself it won't happen to you...never! The enemy runs rampant in this world of darkness and temptation, he targets us all and knows our weaknesses. As a husband and wife completing the paperwork to become international missionaries, we painted a huge target on our backs for Satan to seek and destroy us. He started with the eyes...allowing him to look at someone else, then to talk and share, to allow her to make him feel special...then it all spirals out of control. The Bible tells us in Numbers 32:23 ...be sure your sin will find you out. Not sure why anyone would feel exempt from that! So I found out, my heart broken into a million pieces and my life over. I knew the old me had come back, the me that trusts no one and is always trying to stay one step ahead of life waiting for the bottom to fall out of it like before. But there's a difference this time, something that wasn't there before...she has something worth fighting for. Satan will not win this war! Sure, we had to put our travel plans on hold and that's perfectly alright. God still has great plans for my little family of three and I can wait to see what they are! Walking away isn't the answer in all of this and neither is giving up. I will fight for what God has blessed me with and praise Him all the way! A friend of mine always used this quote and until recently it didn't carry much meaning to me. "What is to give light must endure burning" by Victor Frankl. In order to shine there has to be something that makes us burn, like there has to be a flame for a candle to give light; I have to have God before I can shine through this darkness and share His love. 

Blessings to you all, 

><> Kay <><

Wolves in Sheeps Clothing

I know you have all heard the saying "a wolf in sheeps clothing", an all too familiar term for those hiding behind a nice act. How about this one..."not all that glitters is gold"...the list goes on and on and at some point in life you come to completely understand the true meaning of these sayings. The world is full of people who put on the nice front to your face but deep inside lies a totally different person, a person who is out to destroy everything you hold dear and close to your heart. When the wool comes off and the truth is revealed, hurt and anger take hold of you. You can't breathe, confusion eats away at you, your stomach is tied in a million knots, and nothing is comfortable. In quiet times your mind won't shut off and you think of the hurt, where you failed, and what you need to do to fix it all so your life can return to what you thought was normal. Will you ever feel the same? 

How do I know these things? Because I have lived it and have to look that wolf in the eye almost everyday of my life. It amazes me how some people live to destroy families and the people around them never detect it until someone gets hurt. There are days that I wish I could turn my mind off, just go numbly through a day without thinking about it, unfortunately, there's no off switch. I drive myself crazy with the where did I go wrong thoughts and the maybe if I were skinny and prettier junk. Thought's that I shouldn't be having but allow to take over my quietness. I'm sure with God's help and a little time it will get better but for now all I can do is pray that hedge of protection around my family and wait for God's healing.

Thankful

Well once again Thanksgiving has come and gone, everyone has eaten too much, the good dishes are washed and put away until Christmas, and the crazy family members have retreated to their homes for another month. This year, Thanksgiving was very different for us here at the Shope house, Doyle had to work so Abby and I spent the day at my mamaw's house with my family. We missed not having him with us but at the same time enjoyed being around those we hardly get to visit with. I remember the excitement about going to mamaw and papaw's house for the holidays when I was growing up. All the cousin's would get together and have a blast! This year was the first year that Abby really showed excitement for getting to spend the day with her cousins. It brought back a lot of sweet memories for me since the cousins she was excited about seeing belong to the cousin I was always close to growing up. I loved hearing their laughter and whispers as they played.

As I sat there listening to the giggles from the kids I felt like it was twenty years earlier and I was in the middle of all the giggling. It's funny how when you are a kid the people you love seem to have some sort of age freeze. I remember my mamaw always being so radiant and busy all the time and my mom always seemed tall to me. Sitting at the dinner table yesterday I realized that time had claimed mamaws radiance and had somehow shrunk my mom. I know this sounds a bit crazy but it broke my heart to watch my mamaw, the person I grew up adoring so much, struggle for breath. If there was ever a time I wished for a time machine it was right there in that moment. I couldn't help but think this could possibly be the last Thanksgiving we spend with my sweet mamaw and likely one of the last two my family will spend in the states.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:10-12  
I know I have used this verse before but I can honestly say that He does have great plans for my family and each day brings proof of that. Since my last post, Doyle and I have had to answer questions about our inner most being, details that most people don't know about us. I honestly felt violated in some way that couldn't really make sense but with God's help we made it through each and every round of questions. Both Doyle and myself were cleared on our psychological examination and moved on to the next step. I am guessing next week we will get an email or snail mail containing instructions for the next process. This is all becoming so real and moving so quickly, we are excited and I will admit, a little scared. I pray that I will be able to keep writing my blog when we are living half way around the world so I can keep everyone who reads this up to date on all that's going on with us and the people we will meet. For now, you all get to join us on the journey to the ends of the earth! We covet your prayers and thank each and every one of you. Be thankful of what and who God has placed in your lives today and always, you never know when it could all be taken away!

In His Name,
-K

Slowing Down

So, once again I have fallen behind on posting new things and I am terribly sorry. Lately I have had a difficult time keeping up with myself but that doesn't mean that I haven't had many great ideas and stories running through my mind. Yesterday, I was on my way to a follow up visit with my doctor and had a while before I needed to be there so I took the scenic route. It was a beautiful fall day, the colors were amazing and inspiration was all around me! As I slowed down for a deer crossing the road, I noticed a whole field full of turkeys, there had to be at least 30 or 40. I love the fact that when you slow down enough, God shows you things that you might have missed going fast!

Our journey to the ends of the earth has caused us to slow down quite a bit and we are learning so much about timing and patience. After our rejection letter from the first sending organization sent us back a few steps, we were hurt and confused about what to do next. Once again God showed us that He is in control of this journey. We received an email from a representative at a different organization, she wanted to make sure we were doing ok and if we were still interested in applying with them. We had a conference call and talked with her about the next steps and the process we needed to go through. We completed the application and waited for an answer, sure that it was probably going to be the same as the first one because of the fact that Doyle has a past that involves three divorces. The answer was not a no, they wanted Doyle to write about each divorce and where it went wrong, what he could have done differently, and where he was in his walk with God during all three marriages. This took a while and I had to watch my husband relive parts of his life that he never wanted to visit again! I could tell this was not at all easy for him to do but he completed it and sent it in. Then we waited...and it still wasn't a no! Then it was my turn, they did the math between our marriage date and the date that Abby was born. They wanted to verify that the dates were correct and that there wasn't a 5 month pregnancy so I sent the email. I explained that I was 3 months pregnant when Doyle and I were married. I also explained that this wasn't the reason we got married because I felt that would be the first thought when they got my answer. I don't agree with premarital sex but I wasn't the same person that I am now. I will tell you this, I explained in the email that I would not apologize for my daughters life, she is a blessing to us and I know for a fact that she was not a mistake. I showed the response to Doyle and told him that I was sorry if this is what makes them tell us no but I was not going to apologize for a life. Thankfully, God have me a husband who sees things in the same way and he agreed and we sent the email. It still wasn't a no! After an hour long conference call, we are now going through the psychological evaluation process.

The evaluation has questions like: Describe your dad. How did you feel about him growing up? How do you feel about him now? How is he involved in your life? Describe your parents' marriage. Did they live together? Were you raised by both of them? Who nurtured you and how was that demonstrated? What did they model?   Difficult questions on my end and Doyle has it easy on this one! I honestly hope that my upbringing doesn't cause the answer to be a no! We have come so far and answered so many questions to end with the fact that I was raised in a single parent home with an abusive father who chose drugs and alcohol over his wife and daughters.

Yesterday, when I was thinking about all of these questions during my drive I thought about a rock in a stream. The fact that this rock starts out jagged with sharp edges and over time all the passing waters smooth it out and the sharp edges disappear. It's just like us, we start out flawed and rough and God places different people and situations in our lives to smooth us out and make us beautiful. It's our choice to change for the good or to remain in the bad situations we are sometimes caught in. I made mistakes, Doyle made mistakes but that doesn't mean we didn't learn from them and grow closer to our creator. One thing we have both had to learn is the fact that our God sent His one and only Son to die a cruel death on a cross for our sins so that we may be forgiven and have a promise of eternal life in Heaven; and man has a difficult time with forgiving us of our sins and bad choices of our pasts. Your choices now and in your past, even when you think you have grown past them all, have their consequences at some point in your life. Take every situation to God in prayer, He will give you the desires of your heart!!!

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." John 3:16-17

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

God is sending us on this journey to the ends of the earth and I am happy to share our experiences with you all. I pray that some way, some how, this blog helps you or someone you know. If you have questions please feel free to comment or email me.

In His Name,
><>K<><

Bringing down the Prideful!!!

Proverbs 16:17-19 (NIV)

The highway of the upright avoids evil;

 those who guard their ways preserve their lives.

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

Better to be lowly in spirit along with the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.

PRIDE...a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired; to be especially proud of a particular quality or skill.  This definition has never been something I considered myself...EVER!!!! Well, until this past week. I must admit with much conviction that I have been very prideful. Please allow me to explain...

Doyle and I started a new journey in our lives a couple of months ago and it has landed both of us a job in a huge retail company that shall remain unnamed for obvious reason! =) We both felt/feel like this is yet another step closer to our journey to the ends of the earth. With a freed spirit I left my job at the hospital to pursue new experiences in the retail pharmacy world. We had both been praying that God would place us in the jobs he wanted us in so I was at peace with this change because it was God lead all the way. This past week however, gave me those doubts...the looming "What in the world have I done" feeling deep in my gut. Unprofessional people treating those around them like they are disposable and nothing, hurt feelings by harsh words, treated like you are stupid, and talked down to. I tell myself daily that it will and has to get better but lately it has gotten worse. At lunch we both talk about how we have been talked to and what we have seen done to others around us and question why we are there. Until Thursday, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew the answer! Every job I have had, I have been known as the go to person, the one everybody depended on to do the job and to do it above and beyond what it needed to be. I wasn't a disposable person, I was an asset, a linchpin, I was needed....I was PRIDEFUL! I held my head high because I was all of these things and proud of it! Now, I am nothing...I am starting over and at 33 it feels like the very first job I ever had. I can't stand alone, I am not the go to, I don't know it all, I have to depend on others to help me learn what to do. Above all things, I am broken of my pride. 

God has opened my eyes to see that I need to be more dependent on Him and not to be puffed up in my own pride. It should be Christ that is seen in me and not my knowledge of how to do a job. My job is to share Him with the world and that should be my number one objective, I need to be God's go to, his asset, his linchpin, the person he knows will do the job above and beyond what is asked of me. My heart is broken...I have spent a month in this place and not once have I been a light for him. I have been mopey and full of self-pity wondering why I was going through all of this instead of seeing the big picture. I am so thankful that my God is forgiving and that He loves me enough to open my eyes to see past my own selfishness and pride to break me of it. I pray that I never return to that pridefulness and that people see Christ before they see Kay! 

Danger: Road Closed...Please Use Alternate Route

I travel the interstate almost daily so it seems appropriate that God gave me this message while driving to work one morning. You see, life is a lot like traveling the interstate, you usually have several other people there with you. Each of them, in some way, plays a part in you reaching your destination. Most people have a plan or a route designated to get them from point A to point B before getting on the interstate; some just wing it. I'm pretty sure my car has autopilot because there are days that I get to work and honestly don't realize I have been in the car for almost an hour! I pay attention to the road but I also notice the small things that most people never see. For instance, there's a family of turkeys that live in the woods right before the Paul Huff Pkwy exit, or maybe the deer (dead and alive) that are all over, and then there's the sunrise that pops up just as I get off the 25th Street exit. 

I spend my time talking to God the entire length of my trip most mornings and sometimes I spend it praising Him, singing all the way! This particular morning was spent talking to my Heavenly Father as He pointed out these similarities to me. When I get on the interstate I have one purpose, getting to work, but there could also be several things that keep me from getting there or cause me to alter my path. My life has one purpose as well, living for God. I want to to do what is pleasing to Him but often times there are people and things that cause me to alter my path and at times lose my focus completely. I guess you could compare it more like this; the interstate takes me on a pretty straight path to work and life takes me on a path I have chosen straight to the feet of God. 

As I was driving I thought about how cars are like the people in our lives, some are going way too fast, some way too slow, others may be reckless and all over the road, some sleepy and some focused on getting there. Regardless of how we get there, we are all going somewhere! Life is the same way, we are all going somewhere, be it heaven or hell, it's up to us to find the correct path. 

I also realized all the trash, tire pieces, car parts, and animals you see! These things can cause a few problems in your travels for sure.  I compared these to bad people, situations, drugs, alcohol, or just flat-out bad decisions we make. Hitting a deer causes significant damage to a car much like drugs and alcohol causes damage to your body. At times, theses things can correct or wreck us, they can make or break us. Most of all, they change how we get to where we are going. 

The route I travel is known for dense, heavy fog in certain areas. The closer you get to the fog zone, the bigger the signs. Some even light up with flashing messages to warn you of what lies ahead. Signs alert you to lower your speed and turn on your low beams. There are also places where the on ramps are blocked off to keep you from getting on the interstate. This reminds me of the Holy Spirit, our guide who warns us to steer clear of life's dangers. John 14:26 (NIV) But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 

One of the most crucial parts of the interstate would have to be the emergency lane. Most often you pass broken down cars/trucks and accidents pulled off into this lane. A few times I have used the emergency lane when rain come down so violently that I couldn't see where I was going. I would pull over until the storm cleared enough that I could safely continue my journey. Do we sometimes treat our prayer life like an emergency lane? Do we only use it when things get difficult or when things break down? Perhaps if we were in a constant state of communication with God, we would hardly ever be in need of the emergency lane. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (NIV) Pray continually

All of life's daily obstacles could easily cause us to lose our focus on the end result of our journey here on Earth. These things may cause us to want to take the off ramp and change our route because the one we are on has gotten too hard. My friend, let me encourage you to look not at today's situations but at what waits for you at the end. God is already there and knows what awaits us, we only need to trust and believe in Him. He will be with us always! Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV) Trust in the Lord with your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will straight your paths.

My prayer is that anyone reading this who may be stuck in the emergency lane or maybe you have pulled off your path completely because it's too hard, that God guides you back on the right path...the one that leads straight to Him. If you have questions or comments please feel free to message me. Thanks again to all who read this, sorry the posts have been few and far between...I find it hard to write when I'm not alone and in a quiet place!

Be Blessed,
><> K <><

Lemonade For Sale!

If I have heard it once, I have heard it a million times...When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Uggghhhh...honestly, I'm starting to get a few gallons of the stuff lately! Besides that, it gives me heartburn and it's sour so I don't care much for it. Couldn't we make something else like chocolate ice cream? I know, there's no good saying that could possibly make chocolate ice cream out of bad situations in life, but it was a good thought. Guess I should get to my point in all my lemonade making.

I should start with Doyle's job...the one that will no longer exist after Thursday! Just when we think we can get our bills paid off and become closer to being debt free...BOOM...a great big, fat lemon named Laid-off! I can honestly say we did not see this one coming! I have a job and I am thankful for it but it doesn't make enough for us to meet our monthly expenses and still have money for food and gas. Anyway, he will be able to draw unemployment, or at least we hope it's approved. That will help us out until he finds another job. Oh, did I mention the lemon named Uninsured? Yeah, he's new here too and will arrive at the end of June.

Meet my next guest, a lemon named Cancer. This lemon decided to attack a very close family member and also a close family friend. There are many details we haven't gotten to yet but cancer big or small is serious! No one was prepared for this very unwelcome lemon and I would give anything to rid our family and the world of such a horrible, life stealing disease.

Finally, my last guest for the day, a lemon named Rejected. Rejection never feels good, even when you're expecting it! After months of debating and discussing a company we had been praying about working for in order to live half way around the world; we filled out a very extensive application. This thing took a few hours to complete! When finished, we sent it prayerfully on its way for...REJECTION! Sure enough, that's exactly what we got. In our society, you can commit a crime and for the right amount of money have your charges ex sponged from you record. A divorce, however, can NEVER be taken off your record no matter the length of marriage or reason it didn't work out. It becomes your cross to bear from that day forward. Yes, I am very aware of what the Bible says about divorce but I also know what it says about forgiveness of sin.

Matthew 19:3-6 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason? And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' and said, 'for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?" "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate."

Matthew 19:9 "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."

John 3:16-17 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that, whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

I also know that God does not look at a resume but at the heart; not at accomplishments but at potential. Please don't misunderstand me, I don't agree with the fact that my husband has been divorced three times, but I do know that he has been forgiven. The man I am married to is not the same, he has grown into a man of God. Ten years of being married to Doyle has allowed us both to grow into a couple seeking God's heart and answering the call He has placed on our lives.

Christians do have bad days, we have them just the same as everyone else, they just affect us differently. You see, through all this lemonade making, I put my hope and trust in Jesus. I know that no matter what the outcome is of all these lemons life is giving us, my God is in control. He is there guiding us every step of the way.

I put my trust in Jehovah-Jireh: The Lord who Provides (Genesis 22)
Jehovah-Rapha: The Lord who Heals (Exodus 15:22-26)
Jehovah-Nissi: The Lord our Banner (Exodus 17:8-15)

My God is with us, He goes before us and is already standing at the end of all these trials. It's up to us how we decide to deal with them. I am anxiously awaiting for new doors to open and the blessings each one of them will hold. One day when I am standing on foreign soil sharing Jesus with a new friend, I hope to look back on all these trials. I hope to have an understanding about all this figurative lemonade and see all that God has taught us through it. So, when life gives you lemons, put your trust in a God who can help you make some of the sweetest lemonade you have ever tasted!

My family and I desire and covet your prayers and are thankful for those of you who already lift us up! Thank you to those who have decided to follow us on our God driven journey to the ends of the earth, I hope these posts inspire you and help you along your journey through this life. Maybe you don't yet know this God I have given my life to and would like to know more, maybe you are drowning in life's lemonade, or maybe you have a question for me, please feel free to comment and I will get back to you. Thanks again and BE BLESSED!

-K
Doyle and LR thank you for your encouraging words!