As a young child I swore I would never get married and I would never have children. Only because of how I viewed marriage. To me marriage meant hurt and being left alone...forever. My childhood was full of hurt thanks to a dad who cared only about himself, the dad who hurt my mom and left us. I used to wonder what my life would have been like if we had been worth fighting for.
The past four months I have been fighting my own battle and I'm praying we are nearing the end of it. There are days that I don't recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror. Her swollen, red eyes, her broken heart, and the thoughts that race through her head. Who is she? She's the result of a bad decision in a weak moment by the one person she put all her love and trust in this side of heaven. How did this happen, where did I go wrong, what didn't I give him at home? I have driven myself crazy with these questions even when I am told it was nothing I did or didn't do. I was always so used to seeing people just walk away, like the people they had invested their hearts and lives in all of a sudden weren't worth it. How do you just walk away from a person who knows everything about you, your secrets, your fears, and your dreams? How does a daddy walk away from two small children for a life of drugs, alcohol, and younger women? Now he tries to become part of lives he's never been involved in to try and make up for all he's missed, all that wasn't worth fighting for.
This journey hasn't made sense to me from the beginning but I do know that one day it will. I pray that God is using this trial in our lives to help us help someone else. There is a great testimony waiting at the end of all this and to me it's worth fighting for. My God isn't the author of hurt and confusion, He is my healer, my strength, my light in this darkness. He is the one who made this marriage and joined us together to become one flesh. He made us to love one another just as Christ loves His church and to spend this lifetime together in His name!
I met Doyle 15 years ago and felt a connection to him instantly. We went our separate ways until four years later when we bumped into each other. The night we reconnected was scary for me, I was afraid he would go away again just like every other good thing had in my life. When he wrapped his arms around me and promised he would never let me go again, it was just what I needed to hear...I was loved and he wasn't going to leave me. From that day forward we were always together and soon after that came an answered prayer, the most perfect news of the most perfect little baby girl I could ever ask for. I do regret not doing things the "right" way by getting married first but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am happy with all that God has blessed me with!
Until four months ago, I would have called you a liar if you had told me I would be writing about these things. My family was different, we had a calling on our lives that was going to take us to the ends of the earth to share about Jesus. My friend, NEVER tell yourself it won't happen to you...never! The enemy runs rampant in this world of darkness and temptation, he targets us all and knows our weaknesses. As a husband and wife completing the paperwork to become international missionaries, we painted a huge target on our backs for Satan to seek and destroy us. He started with the eyes...allowing him to look at someone else, then to talk and share, to allow her to make him feel special...then it all spirals out of control. The Bible tells us in Numbers 32:23 ...be sure your sin will find you out. Not sure why anyone would feel exempt from that! So I found out, my heart broken into a million pieces and my life over. I knew the old me had come back, the me that trusts no one and is always trying to stay one step ahead of life waiting for the bottom to fall out of it like before. But there's a difference this time, something that wasn't there before...she has something worth fighting for. Satan will not win this war! Sure, we had to put our travel plans on hold and that's perfectly alright. God still has great plans for my little family of three and I can wait to see what they are! Walking away isn't the answer in all of this and neither is giving up. I will fight for what God has blessed me with and praise Him all the way! A friend of mine always used this quote and until recently it didn't carry much meaning to me. "What is to give light must endure burning" by Victor Frankl. In order to shine there has to be something that makes us burn, like there has to be a flame for a candle to give light; I have to have God before I can shine through this darkness and share His love.
Blessings to you all,
><> Kay <><
