Proverbs 16:17-19 (NIV)
The highway of the upright avoids evil;
those who guard their ways preserve their lives.
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
Better to be lowly in spirit along with the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.
PRIDE...a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired; to be especially proud of a particular quality or skill. This definition has never been something I considered myself...EVER!!!! Well, until this past week. I must admit with much conviction that I have been very prideful. Please allow me to explain...
Doyle and I started a new journey in our lives a couple of months ago and it has landed both of us a job in a huge retail company that shall remain unnamed for obvious reason! =) We both felt/feel like this is yet another step closer to our journey to the ends of the earth. With a freed spirit I left my job at the hospital to pursue new experiences in the retail pharmacy world. We had both been praying that God would place us in the jobs he wanted us in so I was at peace with this change because it was God lead all the way. This past week however, gave me those doubts...the looming "What in the world have I done" feeling deep in my gut. Unprofessional people treating those around them like they are disposable and nothing, hurt feelings by harsh words, treated like you are stupid, and talked down to. I tell myself daily that it will and has to get better but lately it has gotten worse. At lunch we both talk about how we have been talked to and what we have seen done to others around us and question why we are there. Until Thursday, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew the answer! Every job I have had, I have been known as the go to person, the one everybody depended on to do the job and to do it above and beyond what it needed to be. I wasn't a disposable person, I was an asset, a linchpin, I was needed....I was PRIDEFUL! I held my head high because I was all of these things and proud of it! Now, I am nothing...I am starting over and at 33 it feels like the very first job I ever had. I can't stand alone, I am not the go to, I don't know it all, I have to depend on others to help me learn what to do. Above all things, I am broken of my pride.
God has opened my eyes to see that I need to be more dependent on Him and not to be puffed up in my own pride. It should be Christ that is seen in me and not my knowledge of how to do a job. My job is to share Him with the world and that should be my number one objective, I need to be God's go to, his asset, his linchpin, the person he knows will do the job above and beyond what is asked of me. My heart is broken...I have spent a month in this place and not once have I been a light for him. I have been mopey and full of self-pity wondering why I was going through all of this instead of seeing the big picture. I am so thankful that my God is forgiving and that He loves me enough to open my eyes to see past my own selfishness and pride to break me of it. I pray that I never return to that pridefulness and that people see Christ before they see Kay!
